TELL the devil NO NOT TODAY! (First Published June 1,
This is an ongoing diary that I've been writing for the past few
monthsÖI just havenít published it until now. I wanted to wait
until everything was over and done with and not jeopardize any of my
treatments while they were happening.
You will still have the benefit of me writing AS it happened, but
just all at once. Kinda like
binge watching during coronavirus quarantine!
March 29, 2020:
Remember my phrase: ďI donít get sick I just get cancer?Ē
Well, Iím still right. I
am an RN on the front lines of COVID-19 since the beginning of this nightmare
and have most certainly assumed direct exposure at some time or another.
I have none (zero) symptoms and I report daily for duty. Full-time.
Praise God I seem to have dodged the Corona bullet.
The bullet I havenít dodged however is the tumor growing out of my back.
I know....It returned. But of course
it hasÖthatís what this kind of breast cancer does.
It just takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
Sadly, the new marble has been growing since last November, and I am
hesitant to have to tell you all this because I know a lot of people have
put everything into Prayer and Protocel.
HE wants you to continue to do that!
For reasons known only to HIM, I keep having these isolated
recurrences. Iíve been fighting
this fight for 10 yearsÖwith the last 8 on Protocel.
It seems as though God sent me on a different mission.
Heís had me undergo a lot of different aspects of this disease to
give not just accurate anecdotal evidence- but true science based
diagnostics to share His story.
After 12 PET scans,(!) maybe my work
is coming to a close, and now I get to celebrate early!
I truly would be fine with it either wayÖbecause Iím so blessed right
now on earth that I canít imagine how glorious it will be in heaven!!!
Prayer and Protocel are the silver lining in my quality of life. My daily devotions begin my day and end it as
well. How, as a
single woman supporting myself, could I do this without the
benefits of this kinder, gentler, non-toxic and inexpensive way to kill
cancer? If I ever blog again,
it will about how I would compare and contrast the effects of Windex vs the
effects of faith and the Naturopathic world and how most cancer
victims/survivors get pretty much the same timeline at the end of the day.
When youíre going to die anyway why not have 10 years of good, happy and vibrant days instead of 10 years of sickness, unemployment,
disfigurement and overall general crappy days?
This photo is a
mirror image from my phone. So, it's an illusion the marble is on my
right side when it actually is on my left.
4-01-2020 Yes, it's April
Fool's Day, and I have just learned my insurance is not approving a PET scan.
They did say they would allow a CT of the chest, abdomen and pelvis, which I
countered with: "That is ridiculous." I do not need to have all that
radiation, just so that you can tell me that my cancer is in such-and-such a
location, and now I need to follow up with a PET scan to get accurate measurements
going to say no. (Oh heel no!) I had up to 3 weeks of peer to peer interviews (with
me being one of the peers!) before they consented to a scan at the end of
this month. I can't say enough about being your own advocate.
Hereís my really big amazing 'aha' moment.
Back in 2016 when I stopped taking Protocel (read cancer 3.0 ) and had
my first recurrence in Arizona because of itÖThe doctor gave me a choice.
Oncologist or Palliative, and I chose Palliative. Mainly, because I
was super excited about having an actual legal medical card and felt I would
pour all of my money into natural resources and I did.
I got right back in perfect Protocel
complianceÖ I had acupuncture, yoga, meditation, and massage and really did
kick all of the cancer, except for the marble.
Why this freaking little marble persists?
I had it radiated in 2018 and it went away almost immediately.
I had a couple scares after that but all was fine and "grossly
retrospection, I believe that in 2016. taking the palliative road saved me
again! Another miracle!
Just think if I had been talked into Windex instead of a pre-roll!
So yes, Protocel compliance has kept me NED since 2018 until now that I have a new marble growing out of
"relatively" the same area of my
mid thoracic back where it first cropped up, but this one is closer to my scapula.
Whatís interesting is the hyperpigmentation circle that is my Ďscarí
of radiation, traveled with the new marble 4 inches west.
Isaiah 58:11: "And the LORD will
guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make
your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of
water, whose waters do not fail."
April 24th: Dead-Dad-Day (The anniversary of my fatherís death
28 years ago- 1992)
Growing since November, the new back marble is now visible through my
clothes, so I wear patterned scrubs to work and it helps camouflage it.
I have relatively good stamina and my labs all came back good, so
I consented to having it biopsied last month (Iíve been anti-biopsy for years,
so this is significant) and it came back 100% ER+ and PR+ strong stained;
metastatic breast cancer. No
word on the Her2 status yet, but it doesnít really matter in the big scheme
of things since Windex will never be an option.
The main sound byte here is the beast has woken up.
Sadly too, ever since I had that procedure, I feel as though the
outer capsule of the marble was pierced and now itís all leaking, re-seeding
and proliferating throughout me.
(And that kinda pisses me off.)
So now scan day approaches. (Monday)
Once it's determined how diffuse the disease has progressed, that's when I
can determine what to do going forward. If
it is just located to the marble, I would agree to have it radiated again.
I can handle being fatigued, dazed and confused for a few weeks
longer if it gets me 2 more years.
If itís spread everywhere however, Iím going to just say no and do
everything to enjoy my life while I can. Life
My dad once told me: ďKat,
weíre like Roman Candles. We
burn bright while weíre hereÖ we just donít burn very damn long.Ē
(An apropos quote on DDD who was gone (Poof! Just like that!) at 54 years old.
Here are my biopsy results. It is only one page and
void of any of my personal information. You're just going to have to trust
that it's mine. :)
Part of me is thinking of logical strategies on dealing with the outcome of
limited time. I need to start
the tedious process of organization so that when the girls come in,
everything will be in a nice neat package, so when Iím, gone, it will be all
ready to go. One of the things
Iím really enjoying is putting out all the lovely photos from my youngest's wedding
and knowing that they will be shared and cherished for many years to come!
On the other handÖ if itís an easy,breezy, Ďburn and returní then I have
potential of spending more time with my sweet grandbaby(s?) and enjoying my
calling as a nurse with His grace as He continues to provide for me in so
many ways that I just want to sing HIS praises!
There is always this vacillation which occurs with scanxiety.
Am I going to live or am I going to die?
I wouldnít call it worrying; I would call it responsible faith.
I donít want to be a burden on my loved ones.
I also have other extended family responsibilities that need to be
addressed. I want to make sure that I can be ready at a momentís notice.
My lamp will always be trimmed with enough oil waiting for my
Scan dayÖjust go with the flow. While I waited, 6 feet apart from other
patients, I downloaded the Chick fil-A app because Iím starving right now.
(Havenít eaten since yesterday) I canít wait until this is over so I
can go get my deluxe spicy chicken sandwich!
A side effect of being NPO.
It makes you think of your hunger instead of why youíre hungry.
Easy IV (YaY) and a new PET scanner at nuclear medicine.
Faster, less noise and just a skoosh less radium required. (Itís the
little things.) I asked the gal
if it was going to show my brain and she said yes, but because there is so
much activity and uptake going on up there, itís hard to discern.
Sometimes a tumor does jump out at them.
(Shapes, colors etc.) If
they think itís in the brain they can catch it on the CT side of the
imageÖbut ultimately, they canít tell if youíre a "brainiac" without an MRI.
If they want an MRI Iím not sureÖ.I just donít need any more radiation.
After I came home, I went all Silkwood on myself (Iím clean, Iím
clean!) washed and changed my clothes and now maybe a nap...but not before I
enjoy my Chick fil-A sandwich.
Delish! This marked my 12th
PET scan! (Thatís insane.)
Tomorrow is my appointment with the new Radiation Oncologist to review my
report. I donít know why the
other guy doesnít want me.
Probably marked my chart with a big red "difficult patient" stamp. I hope
not. Hopefully he just wants to
help get the Protocel story out to the Big Boss.
Letís go with that!
My PCP took time out of her busy schedule to call me and tell me the good
news of my pet scan results. It is only
localized in the marble! I'm so happy it's just in one spot! She was so excited
to tell me this...How sweet of her thoughtfulness and now I don't have to fret all night!
That's going above and beyond :)
Jesus! I will just keep getting
that bad boy radiated and Iíll be good to go! Iím dancing and skipping!
All the Glory goes to HIM!
Amen and Amen!
Met with the head of the radiology department. (Big Boss) Iíve been handed
over to him for his expertise due to me being somewhat of "a challenging case".
Not that Iím hard to work with (per se),
but Iím not like Ďotherí patients.
Itís a good thing I think.
So, that being said, BB says itís quite remarkable that I have only
one marble of metastatic cancer and that it's not spreading significantly
throughout my body by now. He
said my Onco Type DX score (from waaaaay back when
in 2010) was 16, and that number
showed itís proclivity to metastasize to soft tissue rather than liver
or brain or bone. Go figure.
I donít recall ever learning that 10 years ago, but a lot has changed
in the way of genomic testing.
He said it could go to the bone before anything else though (itís close to
the scapula) But lucky for me, my cancer prefers soft tissue so hopefully it
never will metastasize beyond that.
So with that being said we agreed on radiation.
I am scheduled for a 3D CT scan on Monday (low dose of rads I'm told).
The following Monday Iím supposed to start ĎIntensity Modulated
Radiation Therapyí. Hopefully
for only 5 days. He said
aggressive cancers respond quickly and mine did 2 years ago, and since itís
almost identical there is no reason to think it wouldnít do the same thing
this time. Itís still
questionable if the insurance will even say yes or not.
Weíll see. I need to
research it moreÖbut also, Iím not really willing to throw the kitchen sink
at this thing. Just radiate it like
you did the last time and be done with it.
I donít believe I can get that much residual collateral damage to
surrounding tissue from a 60% baby dose of palliative radiation.
Iíll call it symptom management.
"Owe! I can't move my arm!" (Rodney Dangerfield in Caddy Shack)
Another option that is NOT being considered is surgery and/or cutting it
out. The location itís in is
not going workÖIt will be painful to raise my arm, dress myself, even drive.
I also wonít be able to reach my wound for dressing changes so thatís
a hard ďNOĒ.
Pray, Rejoice Always and Trust in the Lord!
Here is a screen shot of my PET scan. It appears (to
me anyway) that my cardiac calcification should be more of a concern to me
than the marble.
May Day May Day!
COVID-19 still sucks, but Iím doing fine.
Protocel is keeping my immune system strong.
No signs whatsoever. I
cut my own hair but itís already grown out a week later.
Iím ready for life to get back to the old normal.
The marble is also growing at a pretty rapid rate.
I just want to get my tumor coordinates done so I can start this
process next week. I donít
think my insurance will pay for the IMRT so Iím going to push for the
palliative 60% dose that worked fine before.
Itís 4 inches away from the original marble for goodness sakes.
I donít expect any residual damage to the localized area.
I had my 3D CT scan in at the radiation cancer center.
This is noteworthy because I donít have to go off site like I did
with the PET. The new doctor BB
was at the computer designing my treatment with the 3D scan. Pretty snazzy I
will admit (without a lot of radiation). Now I have 5 little circles with
crosses and lines covered with sticky tape on various parts of my chest.
Those will stay on for the duration.
My insurance is still pending on this fancy-dancy treatment he wants to do.
(Why is she still alive again?)
And at this point, Iím really starting to freak out and back pedal to
what is familiar: Please just stop pursuing it and let's go back to giving me
the palliative treatment like before!
So, he sharpie marked the marble...just in case I guess.
The whole process is already taking way too long.
I hate to admit it, but I think I got swept away by the glamour of
"experience and expertise" they were all promising, when I should have been
listening to HIM and not even going there to start with. Too
late...I'm now again in a holding pattern to get what is called
Ďthe verificationí and that's not even until next
Thursday (todayís only Monday, so another 10 days).
I hope the insurance declines and we can get started maybe next
Monday with the old external beam school way. I told them I would prefer to be notified by Thursday if there was no
clearance, and that will give me time to get on external beam books.
Stay tuned and May the 4th be with you!
Happy Nurses Day!
Proud to be a Nurse and Serving The Lord.
I continue to have doubts about the Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy
and have been praying that my insurance will reject the request. My fear is fueled by closer inspection of the sticker sharpie crosses
marks and symbols and one of them is dead center of my cleavage.
I just keep seeing that and telling myself, that canít be good.
How on earth is the beam going to miss that implant? My aorta?
Iím thinking: Oh Heel No! On so
many levels, this is not going to happen!
Another (big) concern is I have not had any (any) problems with my mastectomy reconstruction
and I donít intend to have any issues now.
Their warranty is only good for 10 years (which is now) because
typically you donít get past 10 years to put a claim in.
(Sorry to be so brutally blunt.)
I refuse to get back on
the surgical conveyor belt. My foobs are matrixed/garden trellised
in-place with Alloderm (google it!) until my own
expiration date, so they won't be coming out until I am no longer upright.
I have requested to know by tomorrow what the insurance verdict is.
If they still "donít know", Iím going to give it
up to God and pray about it.
God will tell me what to do.
Deuteronomy 31:6: Be
strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for
the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.
God answered my prayers (again) today and I was notified that the insurance
denied the claim for IMRT. I am
thrilled! They werenít
expecting I would be so happy about it but I am!
They said donít worryÖthey will do the peer to peer to get that
treatment back and I responded: NO, NOT
Iím good with the little baby palliative dose.
Funny how 2 years ago I felt as I though I was being "discriminated" against because I was stage 4 and they wouldnít approve full beamage and now
Iím begging for that discrimination!
I have now called the office 3 times asking to revert back to the
Ďexternal beamí therapy I had in 2018 and not change anything.
My main sound bite today to the establishment is that the marble is growing
rapidly, itís starting to hurt, and I donít want to waste any more time or
money. I am requesting the
external beam of radiation aimed directly at the marble while I lay on my
stomach. Easy peasy.
Palliative radiation for symptom management please.
So she wrote up my schedule and Iím
on the books to start Monday the 14th.
Happy Motherís Day! Itís been a
lovely dayÖ.and a great week.
Work has been hard but hard work never hurt anybody.
(Except when itís 105 degrees out!) So thankful that this coming week
weíre looking back in the 90ís.
Itís hard to get sun with a mask on, and Iíd like to get some sun before
So relieved I donít have to have that oscillating radiation with various
entry points at different sides and angles of my body.
What really is the point of that?
The marble is right thereÖitís not like itís hidden in the depth of
my bowels for goodness sakes. I
had a dream a few nights ago that I was driving at full speed ahead and I
look up only to see a light blue car in a dead stop in front of meÖ.I
quickly swerved to the left only to have another "dark blue car" come at me
full speed ahead. Again I
quickly swerved to the right in front of the light blue car to safety.
Woke up in a cold sweat breathing hard.
My BFF says I dodged a bullet.
Thank you Lord for delivering me from the hand of the Philistines.
Time. I start my external beam radiation treatments on the marble
today. Iím scheduled for 14 sessions but just because the insurance
company has approved 14 sessions, doesnít necessarily mean I have to have
all 14. If my memory serves me, the last marble responded very rapidly
and was basically gone by about the 7th run and completely
gone by the end of the 10th treatment. Weíll see. I had a lovely
day of golf yesterday and the weather was perfect and I actually golfed
pretty darn good (for not having golfed since January)
a feeling all the dead cancer is going to start collecting up in a sebaceous
cyst that collected it the last time. At least, now when that happens,
I wonít be alarmed and when the treatment is over, go to the dermatologist
to have an I/D.
sigh. Not looking forward to something that I already know.
Godís got this for me! Thank you Jesus xoxo
Ephesians 6:13-17 ~13:
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes,
you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to
stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled
around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the
gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the
shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the
evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of
the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Well the cancer center just tried to pull a fast one. They actually
attempted to administer Intensity Modulated Therapy instead of the external
beam!!! WTS??? I am still thanking God for helping me to
recognize that it wasnít right so I could stop them before it went too far.
to my appointment, and they have me go put my little gown on and then into
the radiation room. They tell me that with each appointment Iíll need
to get re-aligned by the machine and to get on the table supine (on my
back). Iím like: this is
just a one-time thing right? "No," they sayÖwith every single
treatment I will have to go through this process. Is this new I ask?
"Yes," they answer.
So I counter with: But after today, Iíll just come in and lay on my stomach right? Iím
supposed to be prone. Is this external beam? "Yes." The answer was
get on the table raise my arms and they start lecturing me for taking my
stickers off my sides, abdomen and cleavage. ďWell, Iím not having
that kind of radiation so I just need the one circle on the marble.Ē
They ignore that comment and proceed to draw more circles on my sides and
abdomen and instructed me not to remove them for the duration of the
treatment. They got me all lined up again. ďWhy do you need to
put the stickers back when Iím not having that type of radiation?Ē The
therapist responded that itís still how they have to line it up with the
measurements. My mind is still asking "Why?????" Then she
said ďOk, hold still weíre going to go turn on your treatment now.Ē
And at that moment inside my head screamed and
then out it came from my mouth. NO-NO-NO! Iím sorry, this isnít
right, please stop!!!
stopped and lowered the table and I start crying and sheís trying to explain
to me that this is how they lined me up on May 4th. I said
I remember how you lined me up on May 4th, thatís why I called
you and said I donít want to fight the insurance, I donít want IMRT, I want
external beam. Then they tell me itís the same thing. No itís
not. So they go get the doctor.
there clutching my little gown to my chest covering my fake foobs and
Big Boss comes in and I say there must be some kind of misunderstanding!
He says no, he designed this very intricate treatment plan for me had a peer
to peer review with insurance and this is what will take care of this once
and for and all. I told him I appreciated his work, but I am not
interested in that. I simply want to lie on my stomach like I did
before and have the beamage aimed directly on my marble for one minute each
day and go home. And he says:
Why are you here? And I make the face "excuse me?" He said why did
the cancer come back? "Because thatís what cancer does?" His
answer? "Your Protocel" clearly isnít working. This therapy
can keep it from coming back.
No, it canít. None of it can. This is not curative. I am palliative!
Palliative people get to have little baby doses of
radiationÖI am not going to have radiation go through all of my vital organs
and reconstructed breasts just to get to a marble that is easily visible and
accessible from the surface. You can't miss it
for goodness sakes, it's RIGHT THERE! I just don't understand...this
therapy worked before. Just do it again...dammit!
reminded him of our conversation where he said it was remarkable that it
wasnít in my brain and my liver and bones and that I just need this one
stubborn marble zapped and Protocel will take care of the margins. And if I have to
come back every 2 years who really cares? I get 2 more years of
quality of life and he gets more business then whatís the problem?
weíve finally settled down and he says: ďWell, what you want is Electron
said, Iím sorry Iím a difficult patient, but I either will get this Electron
Therapy here or I will go somewhere else . And he said no, Iíll do it
they have to schedule a CT scan to measure the area. Um, excuse meÖbut
may I speak up one more time? I
donít understand why we need to go through another CT scan. You have
the measurements already, just draw the circle already like you did the last
time and letís get this show on the road. So, thatís what he didÖtook out his
sharpie and made quite a piece of artwork .
See below. Of course, there was no time for treatment today because
too much of the appointment time was spent dicking around.
sure that office is still talking about me this afternoon. Lol
And I donít even care. Thank you
Jesus! Putting my armor on tomorrow again for sure!
The Green Mile starts then. Thank you, Lord for helping me face
my giants with confidence.
Today went much smoother, Praise God!
I went in, waited in the special waiting roomÖchatted briefly with a
lady who was on her last radiation treatmentÖsuper nice.
We both talked about our faith getting us through this.
When I told her this was year 10 she says:
But you look so good, lol, then she says, you probably
hear that all the time. I just
shake my head and laugh. Thank
Radiation was fine and it didnít even ache.
I also didnít get dazed and confused like I had before which Iím glad
about. The whole thing takes no time
at all. 15 minutes tops from
walking in the door to walking to your car so thatís good.
I came home, had some lunch and did some work at home to finish up my day. Iím getting a little tired but itís not any big deal.
At least not today anyway. Thank
I think I counted 45 seconds.
Iíll try and count again tomorrow.
Today was 58 seconds. Very
smooth, very friendly. When she
came out from behind the safe barrier, I asked herÖwas that 60 seconds?
She said it just varies.
There is no set amount of time as there is amount of dosage.
Doctor Day tomorrow. Looking
forward to just a few more clarifications!
(Not be difficult or anythingÖ.lol!)
So far there are no side effects.
No aching like the first timeÖIíve been waiting for that and it
disturbs me that it hasnít happened yet.
Iím worried the bullseye is not concentrating on the right spot. The
circle markings do not put it in the middle of this 6cm target.
The marble is more left upper quadrant. There isnít really
hyperpigmentation yet either. I
told my BFF itís like Iím getting Ďfake radiationí
I will say my eyes were matted shut this morning indicating increased
lysing and I have had twinges of fullness under my right arm (also signs of
lysing for me) so I guess itís good.
Iíll find out tomorrow.
Doctor Day! I had my
treatment and then had to go and wait again to be seen by BB.
I asked the gal about the bullseye and what part of the circle was
getting radiating. She told me
the whole circleÖand when I lay down with my arms up, she felt the marble that was
in the now in the middle the bullseye.
So you there go! The way I
look at it is different (sideways through a mirror) and it is shrinking.
First off, I apologized for my meltdown and he was very forgiving.
I tried to explain that I phoned the office over 3 times to ensure
that I was receiving the same type so you can imagine my frustration when
that didnít happen. ďNo
problem, no need to apologize, he wants what I wantÖOK,
i.e., stop talking now.
We discussed my circle concerns and he talked about light refractions and
their angles and entry points etc. etc.
I said well, they just told me it was in the bullseye when I lay down and
put my arms up. His eyes lit up...yes
that too! (Eye roll.) I asked about my dosage.
I still donít know. I
got a very involved mathematical answer and itís very hard communicating
when you both have a mask on. (For those of you reading this 20 years from
now, there was a "plandemic" of COVID-19 going on during this time) I do know
itís 90% something. So if it is
more that last time (I thought was 60%), itís not aching like itís more.
(And this is day 3) He
said, well maybe last time it was on a nerve that would do it.
K, thatís good. Iím not
dazed and confused either. He
laughed at that. Well, I was
the last time. (Dammit)
He said by day 5 you start feeling the effects of day 1.
Like a microwave I sayÖit keeps on cooking.
He didnít agree nor disagree.
My skin on the area looks okay. I told him
I felt like I may be lysing somewhat under my right arm and Iím drinking a
lot of water and moving my lymph. He told me that was all good and that I looked good.
I didnít even look sick.
I hear that a lot. Itís
the Protocel, Doc. I donít know
how to tell you how healthy it keeps your immune system.
Hair, nails blah, blah, blah.
He said, well Iím sure both treatments are working together in your
favor. Except while he was
saying "both treatments" he clapped his knuckles together like I would say
Ďat cross purposesí. Hmm.
Freudian? I hope not.
I was really hoping that it could be a small win for Prayer and
Protocel! Oh well, it is what
it is. Amen and Amen.
Iíve definitely gained the COVID-19, so if I have some anorexia from this
treatment it wonít be worst thing. Iíve
been trying to get some sun too which is working, and thatís a good
thingÖ.because tan cancer looks better than pale cancer (on me anyway!
Till next time.
Day 5 is supposed to be the time when you start feeling the effects of day 1
and onward every day beyond the end of 10 treatment sessions.
Today I likened the aching to a Bugs Bunny cartoon character who got
shot with a rifle and has a 3D hole you see through all the way through to
the outside (because itís a cartoon). Thatís how it feels.
Iíve got some concerns that the radiation is not concentrated on the
marble but rather just beside and below it.
The aching I have is not associated with the marble and the marble is
not getting smaller like it did 2 years ago after just a few zaps.
I hate to be difficult, but Iím going to have to ask them to reevaluate when
Iím lying on the table to ensure itís going in the right spot.
I havenít lived this long yet without my God-Given wits (as I told my sister)
and Praise God for giving a voice and a platform.
Amen and Amen
Well, hereís a difference a day makes, I donít think Iíll need to be
difficult, because it appears today that the marble is
Iím going to let them keep doing what theyíre doing.
I donít think it will be done in 6 more sessions, but weíll see.
It hurts sometimes. That
is the drawback but it also tells me itís working.
Iím taking an extra dose of Protocel daily, so in a way a power dose
at the same time. I donít want
to rock the boat. Iíve got to trust
them. I just want this to be
gone. Prayer + Protocel
Prevails! Plus a
"man-made" (through God) modality of radiation to bring me to wellness.
Amen and Amen!
The marble is sooooo much smaller! When
I bend over like a jack knife to look sideways in the mirror it doesnít
bulge up anymore. YaY.
The markings still suck and Iím sure people think is some stupid
tattoo. Iíd like to get some
sun but I donít dare go in the poolÖjust socialize on the chaise lounge
where no one can see.
Iím past the half way point and only have 4 more treatments left and
Iíll be done. Doctor Day
tomorrow so weíll see what he says.
I hope he tells me to go and have a great life for a couple of years
and come back and see him if I need to.
I plan on just that!
I will say the dazed and confused thing?
Itís a real deal. It has
always been transient, letís hope it continues to be so.
I get seriously jumbled for a good 2
hours post radiation. That
canít be good (!). Just keep me away
from heavy machinery and online shopping.
Jeremiah 33:6: Nevertheless, I will
bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them
enjoy abundant peace and security.
In preparation for my appointment today (radiation first, then Doctor Day
second) I had our Wellness Coordinator at work assess my marble in line with
the markings. You can clearly
see that the marble is at 10-11:00 and the rest of the circle extends away
from the marbleÖsame as when I first was diagrammed out except you can see
how much smaller the marble is now then the first picture.
(The inner circle has long washed off by now.)
She says it moves around. When
I sit normal, she canít find it but when I hunch over she can feel it.
She took this picture for me: You
can see how itís darker up towards the top left.
The stickers all delineate the 6cm diameter that the beamage comes down at.
You can see that the whole entire surface area that is being radiated
isnít even concentrated on the marble.
Right. Iím concerned
too. Do you see the faint
circle of hyperpigmentation?
Sit further back and you can see it.
I didnít say anything about this during the actual radiation today, but
afterwards, during doctor visit I brought it up.
He said that when I lay prone with my arms up the marble is in the
centerÖbut just to be sure, he wanted to assess it as well.
I recreated my position as I would on the radiation table prone with
my arms above my shoulders holding on to the edge of the table.
He pushed and pushed all over the marble and said it was :
ďYesÖdefinitely in the centerĒ.
He also said itís ĺ of the way gone.
Heís impressed. YaY!
He also said he wants to see me on the last day of my treatment whether itís
a Thursday or not (itís next Wednesday) so Iíll have one last Doctor Day
before I go. Thatís kind
of interesting because the RT said I would have to make a follow up
appointmentÖif it doesnít fall on Doctor Day, he wonít see you.
I think heís intrigued by meÖI certainly look healthier than any
fellow patients. It breaks my
heart. He talked about coconut
oil for my skin and how itís a natural antibacterial and will help the burn
area if it starts to itch. Iíll
pick some up tomorrow.
He also versed me on cancer death by mitosis (fascinating actually) and said
when the cancer cells decide to reproduce is when they die from radiation.
Iíve got a fast growing tumor so itís probably why it shrinking so
fastÖand it achesÖand I have bad dreams.
His Medical Assistant said sheís never had a patient say theyíve had
bad dreams before.. I said:
ďWell, Iím not like other patients!Ē
She said ďI didnít say that!Ē
We laughedÖit was cute.
He said even if the marble isnít completely gone by the last treatment, do
not fear, it works on residual radiation so it might take a little more time
to finally dissipate. Iím
curious as to what he says my prognosis is next visit.
If my genomic testing is leaning
towards more soft tissueÖwhat can I expect and how soon can I expect it?
Especially with the potential of new cancer progression r/t radiation
therapy. Iím hoping I can just
walk away and again, enjoy as many years as the Good Lord wants to give me
until He needs me to write about it againÖ
~If it pleases You Lord, always allow a cancer recurrence to isolate itself
as a marble that I can see (and burn if I have too)Öjust so I can give all the
Glory to You My Lord and Your Only Begotten Son for saving me again and
again and again with Your Protocel. (How many times now?) Amen and Amen!
Here's my frustration with the medical community...BB told me yesterday (after I recreated the position on the exam table) that
the marble was dead center when my arms went up.
So today (and no surprise here) that Iím still doubting it, I had our
Wellness Coordinator assess the same thing, and she said:
The marble is not dead center when I lay prone with my arms up.
Itís located in the left upper quadrant extending southwest of the circle.
Aunt Rose would
always tell me: "Stop looking at it in the mirror!" But I can't help it.
Is my vantage point really that skewed?
So my co-worker gave
me some good advice and said. íWhen you go in today, be nonchalant
and ask the techÖhey push on my marble would ya?
Where is it at?í And see what happens.
If you catch them off guard they will react honestly.
And today was the perfect day to do that.
They were Ďslowí and the two Radiation Therapists were in the
projection room, not paying much attention to what was going on in the beam
Since I was alone with the techs, I said quietly (because they can hear you
in the projection room) "Hey, would you mind pushing on the marble?
Whereís it at?" She
pushes and says ďHere it isĒ.
ďWhereís here? Is it dead
center?" ďNo, itís to the left
of the top circle.Ē I said
oh, he said it was in the center.
She again replied, ĒNo, itís not in the centerĒ.
I told her itís was all good, as long as the beam is getting there.
switched the subject to: "Heís real happy itís shrinking" and she agreed.
I know youíre all thinkingÖKat!
Why are you letting this happen?
Where was that bold Kat to sayÖumÖI need to see the doctor now?
Donít do radiation!"
Well, that Kat decided to put it in Godís hands, and I love it when Jesus
takes the wheel! So I did
nothing and continued to lay in position.
The two girls leave the beam room and Iím laying there for a little longer
than normal. Itís actually
starting to be uncomfortable laying prone.
ThenÖmy table moves ever so slightly to the left.
You can hear this Ďwhirring Ď sound
that is different to the Ďgreen mile beamage soundí and the table moving has
never happened without people being in the room.
Iím prone. I canít see a
thing. Iím up,
Iím down, Iím under a cameraÖI just have to lay still, listen and let shit
My guess is they had to go get him and bring him to the projection room
where he gave new coordinate orders.
He might think my head is in the sand because my head is actually in
a massage mold, but he is so-so wrong.
The good that came out of it is they seemed to have moved the table to
accommodate the new coordinates so all is well and good but what is wrong
with being honest? All he had
to say was, Oh my goodness, it is shrinking so much and so fast that it seems
to be shifting to the left! We
better move that markingÖthanks for pointing that out!
But, instead he responded with ďIt was my pleasure to assure you the
marble is in the middle if it gives you an extra peace of mind.Ē
They must think everyone of their patients are butter knives.
I will say
this. If I ever have to go through this again, I will be bringing
someone with me to see what's happening to my back to that of which I cannot
2 more treatments, and I am soooo done with this.
June 1, 2020
Another miracle happened today. I was trying
so hard to get my files together for this website. I knew the
time was coming that I have to start thinking about publishing this work
and with that always comes with it, the dread of how is this page going
to upload this time? Am I going to ruin everything? How many
times will I hear that robot voice "uh-oh" when my files don't transfer?
Are all the images going to be broken? When I don't update this
site but every 2 years, it's a challenge because the platforms are all
so buggy and everything is so old and corrupts over time...and yes, I
forget a lot of sh** that is needed to pull this off. I struggled with this for about an hour this morning
trying to figure out my html when God directed me to Google, and just
one click later I was at a new website development download (that was
free!) and also compatible with my old front page stuff! I
couldn't believe how easy it was to update all the pages with the
correct date (2012-2020) and how easy it was to upload this story!
now, when I do publish later this month, after my treatment and Doctor
Day, I just have push go. Voila! (Special thanks to my
daughter for proofing my work! She's the best! xoxo <3 )
Thank you, Jesus again...You always make the road so easy! I am so
grateful and honored to share YOUR story! Amen and Amen!
The platform is called Web 4 and it's a free
Today, a part time RT checked me in and I got me all situated and as I was
waiting for the beam noise...it didnít happen. She then came back in to
couch." They call the table a
"couch?" Who knew?
Iíve been calling it wrong all this time.
Anyway, I looked up at the digital coordinates and they all said the same
thing they always have: 140-over-140-over-something-crossways with 140-something.
Jibberish to me for sure.
No matter what it may mean, the numbers have not changed.
The "couch" however, has.
Weíll see what tomorrow brings.
Last treatment Day.
As I was going back to the beam room, the BB walked past us with his lunch.
I felt badÖI told the gal that he wanted to see me afterwards and she
said I'll be done in 5 minutes! (No
lunch for him! Lol! )
So all the staff is now "YaY, itís your last one! CongratulationsÖhereís a certificate blah, blah, blah."
I just laugh and shake my head.
Taking off the stickersÖnow thatís worth celebrating.
Afterwards, I meet with BB who calls me a VIP and "I can call him if I need
anything at all". Heís very
genuine and itís a comfortable meeting,
although he did make it very clear he would not see me again 'unless needed'
"PRN" Okeedoke. Maybe he's not all that intrigued after all!
Kind of like dusting your hands off. Lol.
He poked around on my back and sadly, the marble is not completely gone.
Iím hoping itís not from the beam not being directly over it except
for the last 3 sessions. I will
tell you, todayís treatment was spot on.
I even let out an ughhhhhh.
I said I hope I donít have to have another round.
He doesnít think so.
Here are the possible reasons why a very small portion of the marble
remains: The marble is actually
now just Ďa little hunk of fibrous scar tissueí (I don't think that's it)
Or: It wonít be completely dead
until it starts to regenerate again (death by mitosis)
Or: Ultimate healing ends 2 weeks
from my last treatment (today), so that would be the 17th and by
that time, I should notice it gone. Or:
It has never been radiating in the exact right spot to begin with.
Even if that is the case,
I do have a very high level of optimism that Prayer and Protocel will
get "rid of the margins" and the last of the marble remnants. I'm
still lysing like crazy. God is Good! (All the time!)
I asked him since my genomic testing indicated its proclivity to soft
tissue, what did he think about a timeline and where does he think it might
crop up at on my body? His
reply? What did Yogi Berra
say? "It's tough to make a prediction especially about the future".
I wonder how many times
in his career heís said that! SMH.
He never did give me a definitive answer.
2 years I asked? He said,
ďMaybe you'll be good for 2 yearsÖIf you notice it growing again call me." He brought up the coconut oil thing again and he asked me if I was going to
stay on my naturopathic route and I said, I couldnít imagine not staying on
it. He agreed that a lot of good
can come out natural healing . I wish I could raise one eyebrow (but I
can't), so I just gave him a ďWhy notĒ
look. I say: "I just donít see how taking the hard
road is the answer for anybody. You
can see for yourself how well it worksĒ.
He says nothing, and that's okay. He is yet another Seasoned
learn about Protocel so that when the times comes, and someone either he
loves or is only a couple of degrees of separation from who he loves gets cancer, I have a good feeling Protocel will be in the conversation!
"I had this patient...pain in the ass, but I gotta tell ya,
she freaking did it!"
Iíll think Iíll send him a nice thank you noteÖapologize for being difficult
and for refusing the Cadillac treatment.
I do drive a Rogue after all!
~Colossians 3:16: Let the word of
Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all
wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in
your hearts to God.
1 week post radiation and hereís a photo,
again, same mirror image as the first time. Such a large circle
of a radiation scar.
That really sucks. They
say it goes away after 6 months, but you can see that is clearly not the
case because remnants are still visible in the upper part by my neck from my
past burn 2 years ago. I will
say though, Iím quite pleased
with how much smaller the marble is.
You can barely see it.
Thatís a huge improvement.
According to him, I need to wait one more week and it Ďshouldí be gone.
I canít even find it to palpate anymore.
I just notice it sometimes, (that aching it makes) but itís very
transient. What it does is make
me grateful when I am pain free.
We have to take notice of those times, not take them for granted and always
give HIM thanks and praise!
(And for helping me cut my own hair again! Not bad eh?
So Iím watching TV last night and a commercial for a new metastatic breast
cancer chemo treatment comes on.
Compelling actuallyÖif you only watch the video and not listen to the audio.
There is a lovely tattooed gal doing yoga dancing and another one
with a cute short cropped chemo cutÖyet another looking quite a bit younger
than me but with a beautiful smile on a freckled face, and you know things are
all going to turn out right! They are all
really kicking their cancerís assÖwith an oral pill that has side effects of:
Hair loss, blindness, pneumonitis, high blood sugar, nausea and diarrhea,
mouth sores and potential renal function complications.
goes on to say that good cells get affected along with the cancer cells.
Yikes! What happened to: First do no harm?
So I thought it would be fun to make up a Protocel bit with a play on Big-Pharmaís
commercial disclaimer which takes up over 65% of the actual airtime of the
Think of the same pretty ladies in this video...because
they are the image I would want in my ad too...they got that part right!
Drum music continues and so does the dancing and the smiling:
Then the lovely narrator voice over:
ďDo not take Protocel if you have an allergic reaction to it or are allergic
to any of the ingredients in Protocel. Do
not take Protocel if you donít want to live a happy and healthy life.
Side effects include increased hair and nail growth, luminous skin
and increased vitality. Ask your
doctor if Protocel is right for you.
Most people on Protocel report improved immune systems and are able
to achieve radical remission of their cancer within months. While
taking Protocel, you may notice you are enjoying freedom from colds flu and other transmitted viruses. Before taking Protocel, tell your health care provider about any supplements you may be
taking and confirm their compatibility with Protocelís efficacy.
Tell your doctor right away when you notice signs of your tumors
shrinking down to nothing and your stamina improving daily.
Take Protocel as directed for your ER+ PR+ HER2- metastatic breast cancer
and take back control!"
Can't you just hear it in your head?
Well, itís been 2 weeks today that Iíve completed radiation.
YaY! His Will Be Done.
I'm marble free! :) My
coworkers have already forgotten that I just went through this treatment,
but that's easy to do since I didn't miss a day of work and look and feel
The big olí red circle of radiation...now that is
the tell-tale sign of conventional treatment,
and it's ridiculous.
Iím actually trying to come up with an idea to conceal it with a coversite, cut to fit, and then
spray tan over my whole back, take the coversite off, and see if it all blends in.
In the meanwhile,
Iíll just tell people I do
"cupping" (I have no idea what that is, except
that it makes the same shape marks as radiation, so I wouldn't think it's a
good thing, but whatever!)
A friend recently told me this series was very intimate.
I'll take that as a huge compliment because I think that is what some
people need to see in order to really believe this story.
There are times when you have to be like Thomas
and look at the scars if that's what it will take.
I don't mind showing you my scars if it can help even one person overcome
cancer in a kinder, gentler and non-toxic way. I am 100% certain,
that had I not been on my Prayer and Protocel regimen, this recurrence would
have most likely been a whole lot worse, if not the end of me.
Now I get to sing HIS praises and
continue to share His story with you just as He breathed it through me.
Amen and Amen!